Thirty five hundred dollars
This is the best though right? This material?
_ It's gotta be perfect. _ Signor Bianchi.
This is the most beautiful suit in the world.
Can you have it ready by four?
Can you have it ready by four or not?
_ It's no problem. - Sold.
All right I'll see you at four. Thank you.
We give him this suit. We change it out. It's cheaper.
It's his size all ready to go he never notices.
It's no big deal OK?
How you doing? All right? Nice to see you.
Hi.
Beautiful huh? You you're beautiful.
You're a lucky guy.
Hold this and don't leave.
Jackie I can't take your money.
That one.
Every year it's the same. You come in here buy a ring for your anniversary...
and the same thing happens.
It's a beautiful choice but it ain't cheap.
She deserves the best.
What's the matter with you? That's an expensive ring.
Why don't you let my cousin Frankie put a zirconi on it?
I need this by four.
Kid is this a joke?
By four?
What am l a magician?
Get outta here!
What? Carla!
_ It's my grandmother's lipstick! _ How you doing?
What's up Jake? How you doing? Carla!
_ You've got time to... _ He's my friend. Carla< please!
_ Take care of your friend! _ Carla please!
_ How you doing Sean? _ How are you?
_ All right. Mikey! _ Hey Jake!
_ How are you? _ How are you?
_ All right. Hey Bill Paul! What's up? _ Jackie how are you?
I'm all right. Good day to be in love you know?
_ Hey. _ Hey.
Gimme the bar would you?
I want flowers so beautiful that these look like they were lifted off a street vendor.
_ This'll take days and you give me what? - Two hours.
_ No way. _ I need 'em by four.
- I don't care. _ 4:30 then.
- No. _ I gotta surprise her by five.
I am not gonna support your foolishness.
Theresa< you know I'm a loyal man...
but if not from you I'll get 'em from someone else.
You are a romantic fool.
And you make me want to vomit with this girl.
They'll be ready.
- Get outta here. - Four o'clock.
Morning fellas.
Nice of you to show up Princess.
_ Not that we're busy or anything. _ What you got for me?
Cut the heads off these for Signora Fiorentino.
I can't. I'll take the register. No fish work today.
Oh< no. I got the register.
Uh_uh. It's the 19th of March man.
_ Are you out of your mind? _ Are you nuts?
What? What?
- Feels different. - What?
Is this the suit I chose?
_ What you don't like it now? _ It looks good it's just...
_ It feels different I don't know. _ signore looks fantastico huh?
Good. 'Cause this guy feels beautiful like the sun.
Isabella I love you more today than I loved you when...
I loved...
Isabella you're more beautiful to me than...
Your s...smell fresher...
That's ridiculous.
Hey! Mrs. Cordova.
How you been?
Always good...
I hate you Mrs. Cordova.
Who is it?
It's your dad. Buzz me up.
You're not my dad!
How do you know? You ever been genetically tested?
Go play with your brothers.
- Jake. _ Happy anniversary!
_ I got something for you. _ Do we have to do this every year?
Come on. Let me up. This thing's burning a hole in my pocket.
I miss you so much. Just... I just wanna talk.
Jake. What the hell are you doing?
_ Yeah what the hell are you doing? _ It's our anniversary.
You don't have an anniversary Jake. She dumped you.
_ Eight years ago. _ Eight years ago!
It was a misunderstanding. We'll work it out.
_ A misunderstanding? _ I'm gonna get her back.
Jake this is my family. This is real.
This is between lsabella and me. This doesn't concern you.
_ She's my wife! _ She's my girlfriend!
- We're married. _ That's not my fault.
Yes actually it is.
Jake please leave.
What did you expect jackass?
Eight years. You got a serious problem. Get over it huh?
_ She's my soulmate. - Your soulmate with three kids.
_ We've had our problems. _ I'd say.
- You cheated on her with her sister. - And her best friend.
And her best friend in her parents' bedroom.
A unique opportunity. Like you two wouldn't have done it.
If you're soulmates you would have considered it before you banged her sister.
- And her best friend. - And her best friend.
In her parents' bed! You disgraced their bed.
I'm a guy. It's...it's not my fault.
Eight years. That's psychotic. Literally.
I'm not psychotic Steve I'm...I'm in pain.
_ You know what Freud says? _ No I don't.
Two and a half to four years tops.
Anything more is clinically psychotic.
I know what you guys are trying to do OK? I appreciate it.
But lsabella is my soulmate.
Oh bullshit! There's no such thing as a soulmate.
You only want her because you can't have her.
_ That and she is a hot piece of ass. - And I love her!
"And I love her! I love her!" What a jackass.
So how come you dumped her four times?
Because l...I needed time.
_ You know what Freud says? _ I don't care what he says.
She's still my soulmate.
Listen. Soulmates are like fish. They're everywhere.
People fall in love because of proximity.
It has nothing to do with the heavens.
There is a window in time when any two people can get together.
Doesn't matter who they are. It's who's around at what time.
But once that window closes...
Smash! Nothing. Nothing.
Nothing.
Freud said that?
Yeah Freud said that.
Think I make this shit up? It's wicked deep.
All right listen.
You gotta get back in the game. Change your bait.
_ Get your rod back in the water. _ I'm still in the game.
I'm gonna get her back.
Miles! Come on boy.
Miles!
Uh-uh. You lose an animal?
Yeah. Cats don't stray too far though
he should be around here somewhere.
Actually felines are known to hunt for miles...
outside of their own home territory.
There he is. Right there.
- See him? _ Oh good.
I know what he wants.
Yummy.
_ Thank you. _ No problem.
Give him a few minutes. The smell is irresistible.
I'm almost finished with my classes.
Taking night classes you know? Finish my degree.
_ I'm not all about the fish you know. - Of course.
Psychology.
The study of the very ill by the very odd.
Yeah well...
So...so...
_ Are you...are you involved? _ Depends on what you mean.
I mean are you involved with anyone?
Are you looking to have a good time with someone?
Are you interested in going on a date?
Yeah I'm not really looking.
Oh no no no not for me! I'm married see I got a ring.
It's for a friend of mine a kid who works here in the store.
Jackass can't seem to pull his shit together to find a wife.
Yeah... I'm pretty busy.
Course. We're all busy.
I'm sorry.
Sorry.
Come on. Are you...are you single or not?
_ Technically I'm single. But... - Yes!
_ Yes! Stay right here. _ No no I'm not really looking.
_ Just stay there. Please! _ Oh God.
Don't move!
Gianluca come here. Come on.
_ Thank you but I've been seeing... - Come on.
- Gianluca. _..someone...
_ What did I say? _ Oh yeah. She's attractive.
- Yeah. - I'd have to see her without clothes.
_ Naturally. - Excuse me?
_ Hips are shapely. Childbearing. _ Sweet huh?
_ Would you turn round? - No.
_ Spin around. _ Let's see you.
_ Wait< wait. _ She's perfect. Let's set 'em up.
_ Are you available? _ No not really.
He's wicked good_looking. Six feet tall abs like Michelangelo's David.
We'll bring him to the next ltalian singles party. Meet us.
_ If you like what you see you wink. _ And if you don't you just leave.
_ No obligation. He'll never know. _ ltalian singles party?
- I don't think so. I'm not even... - It's fun!
A bunch of ltalians singing and dancing. What could be better?
Just hear me out. A lot of food.
- Lot of food. _ Booze dancing.
- Girls. _ And best yet single ltalian girls.
- What could be better? - What could be better?
How about forks in my eyeballs? Bamboo shoots under my fingernails.
_ No< this bad idea. He's not ltalian. _ Nobody's gonna know.
I don't want to pretend to be ltalian to hang out with a bunch of guys...
in gold chains and half_unbuttoned shirts.
- What? _ You too good to be ltalian?
_ Everybody want to be ltalian. - I don't dance.
It's a party. You meet a few people listen to some ltalian music...
come down to our level and dance a little.
- I'm not ltalian! _ Nobody's gonna know!
- Yes! _ Everybody want to be ltalian.
- Come on. - Listen to him.
Oh< Marisa!
Take you something to eat. You no eat enough. Come on.
I'm sorry I can't tonight but thank you.
But you too skinny.
Oh you need a man.
Actually that's why I'm here.
Do you know anything about an ltalian club?
Italian club? The singles club?
_ But you not ltaliana! _ No I know.
But I was invited to meet a guy there.
An ltalian? No no no.
You don't get mixed up with an ltalian.
42 years I was married to an ltalian.
37 times that bastard he cheat on me...
and that's just the ones I know about.
But you loved him.
Love?
Si of course. He was my soulmate.
But you you're not ltalian.
And I tell you something.
Italian men never never marry a girl who's not ltalian.
They play with you. Oh si they like to do that.
And then they break your heart.
No. You find yourself a good Dane or even...
an lrishman.
Oh mannagg.
What I'd trade for that.
I know I know.
- What about her? _ She's all right.
_ She's all right? - She's fine.
_ What do you mean just all right? - Come on.
You prejudiced against the most beautiful women in the world?
No but I'm in love you know that.
_ "Oh I'm in love." - Look.
This right here this is all yours.
Steve and l we're married. You owe us this.
Oh I owe you this?
I owe it to you to pick up girls at an ltalian singles bar?
_ Absolutely. _ Just not my thing.
_ Hey hey. - What about her?
_ Oh she just gave you a look. _ She's cute yeah.
That was a definite nibble.
Set the hook and reel her in.
She's hot I'll give you that but I'm not interested in her.
Stop staring at me. Aren't you gonna...
_ What the hell are you doing? - You're a sea lion. Roar.
_ Sea lions bark idiot. - Whatever.
That guido stuff doesn't work on hot chicks.
Yeah?
_ She's coming. _ She's coming over here.
_ Think of something to say. _ Were you whistling at me?
No l... It was...my...
- I'm Marisa. _ Jake. How are you?
_ Nice to meet you. - Our friend's nervous.
I think you just melted the lining in his underwear.
I didn't... Nothing... My underwear's fine.
Oh nicely said.
_ Do you wanna have a seat? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- OK. - Yeah.
_ At the bar? Otherwise they'll continue. - OK.
No no. Just go get her a drink.
Just put it on the card. It's a company expense.
I'll take care of her.
_ What do you think? _ You guys are too much.
But...he is...
- He's cute. - Yeah.
_ I'll give you that. - He's smart.
_ Funny. _ Very bright.
- Great sense of humor. _ lntelligent.
- OK. - Loves children.
_ Really? - Loves kids.
- Great with them. - Yeah.
- I like that. - We did well.
I think we did.
Oh here he comes. Here he comes.
Hey the prodigal son returns.
Jerk one jerk two.
Thank you I'll take that as a compliment.
_ To beauty. _ To beauty!
_ Beauty. - And the beasts.
So I'm probably glad I missed everything so far.
Why would you say that Jake? We were just talking about true love.
Marisa here believe it or not does not believe in soulmates.
- She thinks it's bullshit. _ I didn't say that.
_ Yes you did. _ No I didn't.
Yes you did!
Don't listen to them. They're busting on me 'cause I believe in true love.
Well me too. And I happen to believe in soulmates.
Oh come on that is such a crock.
It is 'cause at any given time any two people can get together.
They just have to know that each other exists.
Life is never_ending chaos with people struggling to exist.
_ Now that's deep. _ Thank you.
_ He knows psychology. - I do.
Look let me just put it in simpler terms for you.
Simple being the operative word.
Now take you for example.
_ You're a hot piece of ass. - Jeez.
So why aren't you selling underwear in a Victoria's Secret catalogue?
_ There's a point somewhere. _ I hope so.
- OK. _ It's because nobody knows you exist.
But the right pictures in the right people's hands...
next thing you've got 13 year olds jacking off all over the world.
Why?
Because now they know you exist.
_ I really apologize. - Wow.
I thought there was a point there somewhere.
No I get it. I mean it makes sense.
It makes sense? Really?
_ No it doesn't. - OK.
You know what? Let me ask you a question. Why...
Why does a nice attractive girl like you come here...
to get hit on by the likes of them?
I don't know.
Maybe I'm just trying to figure out what men exist.
Well. Maybe she just came to find a nice ltalian man like Jake here.
They're not really my friends.
Ouch!
Ooh I'm wounded. I am.
- So? - So what?
_ What happened? _ Let us live through you vicariously.
- She was sweet. - Sweet? Chocolate's sweet!
This girl could knock the brass off a doorknob with her smile!
Absolutely. What happened?
We had a nice evening you know?
We spent some time together we talked a bit small talk.
- And then...we went home. - You went home?
_ You nailed her at her place? _ Nothing like that.
Come on. You didn't...
You did. You did you did you did didn't you?
No I didn't I didn't I didn't. I didn't do anything.
What do you want me to say? We had a nice time. She's nice.
But I'm still in love with lsabella.
OK. Listen.
Just please please tell me that you got her phone number...
_ so we can smack some sense into you. - Yeah.
_ I'm gonna cry Pops. - Unbelievable.
A man should cry.
I can't believe this. How could you screw that up?
- Yes. _ You were so stupid!
Hi< guys.
- Hi. _ Hey how you doing?
So this is it huh?
This is...this is it. This is...fish heaven.
Anything you desire from the eastern seaboard< we got it here.
_ Aldo Tempesti. - Hi. Marisa.
So...
You forgot to ask for my number.
So I thought l'd...
- Loser! - The freakin' number!
- Just in case. _ Yeah no yeah. This is...
This is great. You... That's pretty...pretty handwriting.
Thank you.
OK.
You know what? Let's just close the deal right here.
I make his hours so...
Oh he's available tonight.
He's got tomorrow night off. The whole week off.
_ You can call me when you want. _ No. He didn't take your number.
It's out of his hands. Tomorrow?
No tomorrow night's not really good for me.
_ Stay out of this would you? _ Actually next week is better for me.
Next week. Tuesday's looking real good for me.
I was...I was thinking maybe more Monday.
At around... I don't know seven...
- 7:30? - 7:30
_ Monday. _ Monday.
Perfect. OK.
Monday it is.
- OK. _ All right.
_ I'll see you then. _ See you then.
OK. Bye.
_ Let me get that door for you. _ Thank you.
Yes!
Thank you.
Thanks for coming in.
_ Don't screw this up. _ I'm not gonna screw anything up.
Come on. Hey! You're all thinking with your little men< huh?
This is a big big mistake.
This is an ltalian woman and ltalian women have brothers.
Oh it's all fun and games...
until somebody loses a testicle!
That's not funny.
Tell you about my cousin Luigi eh?
_ Yeah cousin Eunuch. _ Ah! Cousin Eunuch see?
_ He make joke now. _ Senza Cazzo we call him.
Get to work. Asshole.
_ I want candy. _ No candy.
_ Candy apples. _ Aww I want candy!
Yeah and what else?
- lsabella! _ Oh God.
Oh my God this is so weird. What are you doing here?
_ What am I doing here? - Yeah.
_ Stay away Jake. I mean it. - What? Come on.
It's the commons. I'm just passing through.
Hey you and me are soulmates.
I have kids Jake and lots of 'em.
I love kids. Plus the big one's probably mine anyway.
Hey. Hey! What? Did you ever have them genetically tested?
Unreal! You know you're unreal.
He was born 12 months after we last did it.
So you say. I know. Whatever.
Come on. What's it gonna take?
Jake please. Please let me spare you your dignity.
But...I'm not gonna take no for an answer.
_ Excuse me sweetie. - I'm not!
What...
What is wrong with your kids?
They don't like you Jake. Come on boys. Get in.
- But... _ Good job.
I have a date on Monday night.
_ Good for you. - Wait...
Can I get a ride?
- Got a bar? _ Morning John.
_ Hey Jake how are you? _ All right.
_ What's going on? _ I need about 50 pounds of haddock...
- Look out! _2000 pounds of mussels. Nice.
_ All right< relax! - Nice. See him do it?
- Beautiful. - Nice skate.
Yeah. Think I dated a girl looked like this once.
_ Thanks a lot man. _ Your receipt.
_ Have a good one. _ Take it easy.
I know what my boy Gianluca tell you but listen.
Women are sacred.
They need to be treated like ladies not passing cargo vessels.
_ I know that I got a good woman. _ A good woman?
A good woman is love.
Pure true and breakable like Venetian glass.
Remember.
Every daughter has a father.
And most have brothers with sharp knives.
Hey. Somebody's getting some tonight huh?
Sure man. Party's on tonight.
Take your camera tonight.
Do me some pictures. With nipple.
_ Jake look at me. - What?
_ Promise you won't screw up. _ I'm not gonna...
- Promise? _ I promise!
I'm not gonna screw it up< man. Do you want it in blood?
All right look. Let's go over your plan. You do have a plan right?
I'm not gonna lay it out for you. I'll...take her to dinner or something.
_ Come on dinner's obvious. Where? - I don't know. La Trattoria.
What are you retarded? You can't take her to the North End.
- It's too ltalian. _ That's the point she's ltalian.
No no take her to my cousin Ennio.
He'll fix you up nice.
No you can't take an ltalian woman to the North End for the first date.
That's like a priest taking a little boy to an opera it's too obvious.
Yeah. Forget ltalian. You gotta stay away from your ethnic roots.
I'm not taking her for a kielbasa.
You're not a dumb Polack anymore. You're ltalian now.
I'm not gonna pretend I'm ltalian.
You better pretend and pretend good.
Look an ltalian can spot an impostor a mile away. If they did...
_ Could get your nuts chopped off. _ Come on. It's the 21st century.
Nobody'll get hurt. It's a stereotype.
He's right. The stereotype is bad.
Italian men are lovers.
Unless you mess with their women and then...
It's OK to take her to an ltalian restaurant just not in the North End all right?
And you know order for her.
Because the ltalian women they love to be taken care of.
Freud says that a woman knows within five minutes of sitting down to dinner...
if she's gonna sleep with a guy.
Brings up what do you got in mind for dessert?
Tiramisu?
Well one dessert two forks.
_ Don't screw up. _ I'm not gonna.
I'm telling you if you screw this up...
I'm not! I'm not gonna screw it up!
- Hi. _ Hey.
Wow.
_ Should I go change? - No.
No you...you look fine.
I'm probably the one who should go change.
_ It's good to see you. - Yeah. You too.
So it's freezing. Where's your car?
Actually my truck smells like fish so we'll take the subway.
_ Subway? _ Yeah it's always more convenient.
You don't have to pay for parking or anything. You know.
You look really beautiful.
Thank you.
First date.
I feel like I'm back in high school.
Yeah me too.
Why... What's so funny?
Nothing I'm sorry.
Are you laughing at me?
- You are. _ I'm not I promise.
_ Washington Square. _ I promise.
- Yeah? _ Sorry.
Look...
I'm gonna tell you something.
OK.
Tell me.
It's kind of embarrassing a little bit.
Just tell me. I'm sure I've heard it before.
This is nice.
And I don't wanna... I don't wanna start anything
without being totally honest with you.
I'm involved with another woman.
Yeah we...we've been together for 12 years. On and off. Well...
Mostly off lately but...
I just...I thought you should know.
OK.
Honesty's the best policy you know.
Yeah I agree with you.
Wow.
But if you want to tell me anything you know you can...
Now's a good time.
I don't have anything like that.
Where are we?
I'm sorry. You're upset huh?
I'm fine. Surprised maybe.
I just didn't wanna have a nice evening together...
_ and then have it get all awkward. _ Well< it's awkward.
_ Have you been here before? - No.
Don't worry. I know what you're getting.
Buonasera. Can I start you off with something to drink?
Maybe un bellissimo very nice Barolo or Chianti.
I think we're ready to order.
The lady's gonna have the calamari appetizer...
and the spinach and mushroom penne pasta.
And can she get that with extra oregano and a side of garlic?
- Garlic? _ It's good. It's really good.
As you wish madam.
And for you sir?
I have no idea. What's good?
Spaghetti all'amatriciana.
The house favorite.
_ That sounds perfect. - You know what?
I think I'll have that too.
_ Really? - Yeah.
And to drink?
House Chianti.
Actually I'm thinking of something...
in a significantly higher price range.
Maybe one of your Barolos.
_ Wonderful choice madam. _ Thank you.
That was interesting.
You saved enough money not parking.
Is this about my girlfriend?
'Cause she's cool with this. She knows I'm here.
_ She knows you're here? - Yeah.
Just let it go. I've almost completely forgotten about her.
Psychiatrists say you can tell within the first five minutes...
of having dinner with someone whether you're gonna have...
Whether...whether it's gonna work out or not.
You can tell.
Do you have a lot of experience with psychiatrists?
No. No! It's justI hear about 'em all day long...
'cause Steve he's studying to get his degree.
_ Psychology. - Yeah.
He's a college man.
So what do you do?
- I'm a doctor. _ Really?
_ You're shitting me. - No!
Huh. That's so cool. What kind?
A veterinarian.
OK so you're not a real doctor.
No I just mean you know you work with animals.
It's not exactly humans that's all I'm saying.
It's cool. I like it. I get it.
It's just when I think doctor I think you know...
heart attack on a plane "ls there a doctor on board?"
That kind of thing you know it's so cool.
So you... And you love animals.
Yeah well you know I'm suspicious of anyone who doesn't love animals.
Or children.
Well there you go. That's... We got that in common.
Really? You love animals?
Do l...do I love animals?
Yeah of... I work in a fish market.
I love kids too I think kids are great.
I got three of 'em.
Well they're not mine technically.
_ They're my girlfriend's. _ That's great.
_ Here I'll help you up. _ No. You know what? It's all right.
Let's not spend a nice evening and then have it get all awkward.
You're not coming up.
No of course I know I know...that.
But I had a wonderful time tonight didn't you?
You told her what?
I knew you were gonna screw it up. I knew it!
I didn't want her to find out I was involved with someone and get disappointed.
Are you the biggest moron of all time or just acting?
The date wasn't going so hot anyway.
She was sending mixed signals. She was acting all disinterested.
That's exactly what I mean. Mixed signals are clear signals.
And why the hell tell her you have a girlfriend?
Which you don't. I mean this chick is the real deal.
I mean she's wicked hot...
and she's a doctor!
She's...she's not really a doctor. She's a veterinarian.
_ Veterinarians go to medical school. _ In an animal hospital.
Not a hospital hospital. She's not a real doctor.
So you would say I'm not a doctor if I get my PhD in psychology?
Look that's sort of different.
You would be dealing with humans.
She's dealing with animals.
Ain't a doctor.
Technically I don't think a psychologist is either.
Technically anyone with a PhD is a doctor.
A doctor of philosophy. A doctor of English literature.
- A doctor of fine arts. _ Hold up.
I'm with Jake. They're not doctors. Those are bullshit doctors.
They shouldn't even be able to put "Doctor" in their name.
Come on!
Chiropractors huh?
Acupuncturists. Podiatrists.
They're not doctors!
So... I save lives...
by talking people out of...
By talking people out of throwing themselves in the tracks at North Station...
or hurling their bodies off an overpass onto the MassPike.
All day long I'm talking to them...
and I'm not a doctor to you?
No. But you could be.
If you go to medical school and become a psychiatrist.
Psychologists man are just another group trying to cheat the system.
You told him!
I'm sorry.
I'm sure Harvard Medical School has evening classes you could take.
I don't need to be a doctor.
_ Just figure I'm saving people's lives. _ Oh no you're saving people's lives.
That's what I'm trained to do. I save people's lives.
- I'm a lifesaver. - You're like a comic-book hero.
Can you save me a bite of your sandwich?
Hello< Mrs. Cordova.
- lsabella! _ Hi Mrs. Cordova.
_ Hey. _ Go away.
Let's just go get a coffee< please.
I just wanna talk.
I know the kids are gone.
_ I'm not letting you in. Talk. _ Really?
You can't still be mad. I...
All right five minutes.
Five minutes.
You look really pretty.
Don't you still think about me at all?
Of course. You call me every day.
Well< that's fair enough.
But I mean if I didn't...
would you still?
_ I'm not gonna answer that. _ So you would?
- You would! - Jake! Children.
_ The eldest one's mine anyway. _ You are crazy.
Come back to me.
OK. Your ten minutes are up.
You gotta get outta here.
Yeah I was about to go anyway. I mean...
You don't have to kick me out or anything.
I was...I was about to leave anyway.
I wasn't gonna have another coffee you know.
Same time tomorrow?
_ Hey Papa. How are you? _ All right.
_ There a holiday I don't know about? - Banker's hours.
_ Get your ass out here we're busy. _ I'm here I'm here.
_ I saw her today! _ Treat your fleas?
Not her. Her.
- Oh. Isabella. - Yeah.
_ She made me a cappuccino. - In her house?
All right. That's it. Jake I've had it with your shit.
Me and Steve we bust our asses around here.
You come and go as you please all hours of the day.
Jake it's not fair.
I got no other option here. I gotta fire you.
Fire me. You can't fire me.
_ Well I think I just did. _ I own this place.
Technically yes.
But I promised your parents before they died I would not let you...
_ run it into the ground. _ Revenue's up 250% last quarter.
150% last year. I think we're doing OK.
Stop chasing lsabella.
- Is that what this is about? - Yes!
You know call Marisa.
The one you told you had a girlfriend?
- She hates me. _ lsabella hates you.
She still makes you cappuccino.
Italian women they need to nurture their men.
- Tell her the truth... _ No don't tell her the truth.
Tell her the truth and she will come around.
I can't tell her anything.
She won't even accept my calls.
Do you blame her?
Hi.
_ Who needs this Eric? _ All right buddy?
Oh look at the happy couple.
Jakie B what are you doing with that fish?
Kiss your wife.
My fish.
He just...
He doesn't quite seem up to it these days.
I was wondering if the veterinarian could come out...
take a look at him.
I'm sorry sir but we don't take care of fish.
Why? They're animals too.
They're animals but they're aquatic animals.
Marine animal doctors take care of fish.
That's not our doctor's specialty.
OK.
How much?
Huh? 20?
OK you don't like Mr. Jackson.
How about Benjamin?
Huh? Is the doctor around?
_ Are you Michael? - How's that?
Ah this isn't about the fish.
Are you and the doctor involved?
Is it that obvious?
Let me see what I can do.
Hey.
I like your dog.
Nice.
All of these are good. Hey smile.
Mommy is that man a pedophile?
Hey. Paparazzi.
Are you serious?
_ You...you're not the... _ Bring your fish.
_ On second thoughts... _ Now! I'm busy.
You're wasting my time with your fishy.
What are you too good for a goldfish?
You look like a mobile Chinese restaurant.
You got an anchovy pizza you need some help with?
Hey real cute.
Put your fish on the examining table.
- You sit. Sit. _ Hey look I don't think we...
have to do this I mean...
_ Really... - Sit!
How long's your fish been acting weird?
I don't know. A couple of days I guess.
_ Why didn't you bring him in sooner? _ I thought he'd pull through.
This is a pet fish isn't it? He could have died.
Look I don't want to be rude...
but do you think maybe I could see the other veterinarian?
I think that might be very helpful.
This is Sammy. He's got respiratory distress.
The owner says he's been lethargic and not acting himself.
OK I got it. Thank you.
What are you doing?
Sammy's been acting a little weird. I...
I think he might have pinkeye or something.
This isn't a pet.
Sammy don't listen to anything this evil woman says.
OK. I see through this. What do you want?
We had fun the other night.
Fine. I had a good time the other night.
All right I get the fact that you want nothing to do with me but...
Well I really enjoyed your company.
No no no no. No. No.
What? Just because I'm not sexually available...
we can't be friends?
- Friends? _ Yeah friends.
Like spend time with each other because we like each other's company.
_ And just be friends. _ Exactly.
_ No we can't. _ Why not?
Because...
_ I'm 33 years old. _ No way.
My biological clock is ticking.
I don't have time for friends.
So having friends somehow affects your ability to have children?
- Yes. _ How? You gotta explain this to me.
When a man and a woman are friends...
one of them always ends up wanting the other one.
If neither is interested...
then there's no incentive for the friendship in the first place.
What are you doing Friday night?
_ None of your business. _ So no plans?
_ I have plans. _ No you don't.
- You don't. What? - Plans.
Yeah now that's mature for a 33 year_old.
You'd rather stay home alone than make a friend.
Because you're sexually attracted to me...
and I'm emotionally unavailable.
- I have a date. _ Oh yeah? Who is he?
- His name's Michael. - There's no Michael.
No really. I'm sort of seeing him now.
Fine. I get the message.
Actually you know what?
Leave Sammy here.
Yeah?
I'll give him back to you...
_ Saturday? _ Saturday?
Are you asking me out on a date?
Friends don't date. They hang out.
But you told me to go out with her in the first place.
Well that was before you told me she was 33.
_ Don't go. - She's 33.
Imagine your balls in a vice grip.
That's what her ovaries are doing except they're screaming for sperm.
_ Your sperm. _ It's not even gonna be a date.
It's gonna be... We're gonna be hanging out.
_ Like hanging out in high school? - Yeah.
Like a guy and a girl hanging out. People do that.
_ No they don't. _ Why not?
Because sooner or later one of them's gonna wanna swap some fluids.
Play some tonsil hockey. She's 33! Walk away.
Well hold on. It's not like he's gonna marry her.
Exactly. I'm not gonna marry the girl.
Just bang her a few times. Then move on.
Lesson numero uno. La salsa di pomodoro.
No ltalian man can resist la salsa di pomodoro.
Well I wouldn't say he's a man. He's more of a little boy.
A very good_looking little boy...
But this is friendship. Not love.
Hey. He and his girlfriend together what 12 years?
Not married they not serious.
He's what you call fair game.
And the quickest way to a man's heart is through the stomach.
_ What if I don't wanna get to his... _ Oh wait.
You want love ltalian_style?
There is no mercy it is a war.
And the women are the generals.
Go go. Put that in the pan.
And the food! Food their greatest weapon eh?
Stir! Stir it or it'll burn. Stir.
_ Hey. - Hi.
You're not dressed.
You still look good I mean l...
I would still... Aren't we...aren't we going out?
No we're friends. I made us dinner.
_ Really? - Come in.
_ OK. These are for you. _ Thank you.
_ How you doing? _ Hi. Oh hi.
_ Thank you. - Yeah.
_ Oh< wow vinegar. _ Yeah it's ltalian.
_ lnteresting. _ This is not what I expected.
- How's that? _ You got the fluffy couch...
and the carpeted floors it's...
It's kind of American.
I expected more of that ltalian hot blooded style you know?
Clean lines everywhere.
This place looks more like my grandmother's house.
Wow. You know exactly what to say to the ladies.
_ Shall we eat? Before it gets cold? - Sure. Yeah.
_ You need help with anything? - No.
Sammy? You cooked my fish?
_ He's cured. No more pinkeye. _ You cooked my pet?
_ He wasn't your pet Jake. - We were on a first-name basis.
What if I'd brought you a puppy?
I don't play games. I dumped my first fiance because he lied.
Yeah? What about the second one?
He lied too but his was much bigger.
What did the first one lie about?
He claimed he went to undergrad at Harvard.
- And? - He went to BU.
_ Oh no! Come on. _ He couldn't handle living in Boston...
and not being able to call himself a Harvard man.
So you honestly... You dumped the guy...
you were considering spending the rest of your life with 'cause of that?
- Yeah. - That's kind of harsh.
He was my fiance. He shouldn't be lying to me.
So which one is he?
Oh he's not up there. I don't keep pictures of my exes.
There's not one picture of your ex here?
No! Why keep pictures of people that are no longer in your life?
I keep pictures of everybody just in case I never see 'em again.
But why would you care?
I don't know. For me once a relationship ends...
I don't ever look back.
So what part of ltaly is your family from?
They're from the north. From Palermo.
Palermo? Isn't...
Isn't Palermo in the south down by Sicily?
The northernmost part of the...of the south.
They...
They're very high... They live in the mountains.
So it's like... It's such a small country anyway.
Where do your parents... Where are they from?
_ l...I can't say. _ Why not?
_ Were they in the Mafia? _ Are yours?
Yeah. Come on where are they from?
_ Is it that important? _ Yeah it's important.
_ To an ltalian it's very important. _ They're from the north.
Torino.
_ I can't believe I just told you that. _ Oh yeah. Big deal.
Your secret's out. Maybe you'll have to kill me now right?
_ I might have to. - Yeah.
All right so...
I mean so you spend weeks...
or even months of your life committed to someone and then what?
Like... They just...
They're erased like they never existed?
You're a past_dweller.
Fine if holding on to memories makes me a past_dweller...
_ then I'm a past_dweller. _ There's only three choices.
Past present and future.
So where does that leave us?
You have a girlfriend.
I need to know your level of commitment to this relationship.
None! There is no relationship.
I'm being serious now.
Seriously I need to know.
You do know. There is none.
I think I might have found someone.
That's great. I'm happy for you Jake.
She knows about us.
And I told her don't worry I told her.
But... It's just...
I don't know she's...she's different.
She doesn't have big boobs and look like a supermodel?
No no she's got those qualities.
But it's just...
There's something about her I don't know she's...
She's kind of cool.
Run through the wild with her Jake.
Make love to her in exotic places.
You're free.
There is no us.
You keep saying that but I just want you to know...
that once I'm gone it's forever.
Your pictures come off the wall hers go up.
I'm not a past dweller you know.
My timing's off I'm gonna run ahead and do some sprint work.
_ I'll meet you at the bridge. _ No I'm coming.
_ No Jake I can't run this slowly. _ I'm coming.
_ Forget it.
Good run huh?
Feels good?
What are you doing running off like that?
You're a woman you're gonna...
gonna get raped or killed or something.
No I could outrun them. You're the one that's going to be somebody's bitch.
I'm just saying that it's dangerous< all right?
Competitive aren't we?
Whatever Flo-Joo.
_ Wow you look good. _ Thank you.
The fish looks great.
Here.
_ You got him? - Yeah.
_ He's cute right? _ Is this what you want?
What this?
- This as in a lobster? _ No this as in your dreams.
I don't even know if I could answer that if I wanted to.
I just kind of take every day as it comes you know?
I'm a present_dweller.
_ Well the days are coming fast. - Yeah?
_ Soon there won't be any more. _ Honestly?
I never thought that much about my dreams.
I guess my dreams just kind of found me.
All right.
Well the Napoleonic complex...
it comes from Napoleon denying that he was ltalian.
He was pretending to be French.
He forgot you know that he was a lover and not a fighter.
That is why to this day my cousin Pepino in the bakery...
will not sell napoleons.
What...what does that have to do with women?
Ah everything has to do with women.
An ltalian woman...
they will cook for you clean iron take care of the kids...
but it is the man's job...
to make her want to do those things for him.
- I think I can handle that. _ Sure sure.
You make her feel special...
you make her feel like a woman.
Like the song you know.
It is the man's job to work...
to protect la famiglia...
to make decisions to pay the bills...
the mortgage everything tutto.
But it is the woman's job...
to make the man want to do all these things for her.
_ Capisci? _ Yeah but I can cover my share of bills.
No no no no no. You're ltalian now.
Remember it is the little things...
between the man and the woman that count eh?
_ Gimme something about him. - No.
_ Tell me something. - You don't want to hear it.
Yes I do. If we're going to be friends...
then I get to hear about him and I get to spew forth my advice.
_ My simple but profound advice. _ No it just feels wrong...
talking about you know such intimate things with you.
Pretend I'm a homo.
A gay man OK? I'm just saying...
that way it'll just roll off of me I won't care.
- Come on. - l... OK. OK.
- You asked for it. - I asked for it.
_ I don't mean to complain... - But...
But he's kind of boring.
_ Boring how? _ Yeah I mean...
_ if I'm dating a guy... _ Right.
..he's gotta be a step up from my vibrator because that's a sure thing.
You know I mean it's not like I need a new crazy idea every time...
but come on mix it up a little!
Throw on an occasional video.
Throw it on.
I know.
I gave him some of my best DVDs.
I don't think he's watched a single one of them.
For example...
the other night
we were doing it doggy_style...
on the washing machine.
And I slapped him and...
She did what?
All right you might wanna rethink this.
Just ask yourself what would a fisherman do?
She's out of my comfort zone.
_ I would say. - Yeah.
Yeah that is...
Here she is.
I had a break. Thought I'd stop by and say hi.
- Hi. - Hi.
_ Hey guys. _ Hey Dr. Costa.
_ How you doing? - So...
Wow. You know what? If you guys...
If you cleaned up some of these boxes...
Gianluca Gianluca.
_ I got a system there. _ Well clearly not one that's working.
Jake. Do something about this will you?
You need a woman's touch.
Don't you have any animals to heal?
_ Some sick puppies... _ Come on. You guys can help.
No no no it's...it's not in our contract...
We...we only do a half_hour clean_up a day...
it's...it's union rules.
- It's union rules. _ Only yeah.
Jake take care of this. We're gonna get a beer.
Yeah.
They... He really does have a system< it works...
- Work. _..pretty well.
Nobody's gonna spend this much for fish.
People wanna pay more. It makes them feel like the quality's better.
_ Spoken like a true woman. _ No it's all about presentation.
If your fish look clean the sales will soar.
I promise.
What happened?
This is a disaster.
What the hell is this? We selling lemonade now?
You've straightened my pictures.
It's clean. It's just a little bit cleaner that's all.
What do you mean it's clean? It's like an operating room.
You cleaned my floor.
You could eat off this floor. This is aawul.
- It's a disaster. - It's wonderful.
It was her idea.
So you're coming this weekend...
_ to the faculty dinner with me. - You serious? No.
- Yes. _ No I do not wanna go to a faculty dinner.
You have to. It's friendship duties.
_ lntelligent people bore me. _ Oh my God.
Jake don't start with me. You're coming.
_ OK Mom. - Excuse me?
_ You sound like my mother. _ Well you sound like a child.
- You're a child. _ My God.
Is your family still in Palermo?
Palermo?
No.
Actually my...my parents are dead.
_ Shut up Jake. _ Seriously.
_ Seriously? - Yeah.
_ It's OK. I know you didn't know. - Wow. I...
They...they died during my senior year.
_ I'm sorry. - It's OK.
You know I loved my family when they were around.
It was great. My old man he was something else.
He was such a character.
- You want kids? - I don't know.
- I'd make a terrible father. _ No you wouldn't.
Trust me kids aren't for me.
I have a friend who's got three children and she's always...
That's your girlfriend Jake. Not your friend.
The point is kids messed up her whole life...
and now she's stuck in a marriage that she doesn't want to be in.
Wait. Your girlfriend's married?
Yeah.
Well I knew her before she was married though.
She's been in love with me all along.
Are you in love with her?
Thank you Mrs. Vianelli.
You. You're slacking off.
I'd fire you if I could.
_ You got a minute? _ Yeah< sure.
_ Right now? _ Absolutely.
_ Would you take over for me please? _ Oh sure.
What's up?
_ Things good? _ Yeah thing are good.
Classes are good and...
_ Yeah classes are good. _ Learning a lot of new stuff?
What the hell do you want?
How much would it cost?
How much would what cost?
_ Counseling. _ Counseling?
Yes. What are you a parrot? Gotta repeat everything I say?
Counseling!
Look you're almost a psychologist now right?
So...how much would a session cost?
You want me to be your psychologist?
Yes! But...
we can't tell anybody.
Of course not.
I'm a professional.
But you know...
Jeez Jake.
_ You're my boss. - I know.
And that's why we gotta keep this between us OK?
Very professional just...
You treat me just like any other patient.
OK but I'd have to charge you $20 an hour.
- $20 an hour? - Yeah.
I pay you twice that in the market! You go to school to make less money?
_ It's not all about money Jake. _ I'm just saying
_ you use your education just to... _ OK. All right. 40.
40 All right? You want the session or not?
- I think so. - Good.
- Think so. _ All right. When do you want it?
_ Well when's good for you? - I don't know.
- Now? - Now works.
- I could...
- Now? - I can do... Yeah.
- OK. - OK.
_ So< what do we... _ Why don't you have a seat?
And I'll have a seat and...we can start.
- OK. - I don't like this.
_ Why don't we switch? - I don't...
Get over here. See this is better.
Yeah...
That's good. Now...
Like that. All right.
Here we are.
So.
Mr. Bianchi.
Tell me how your troubles began.
Do we really have to act like this? We're in a fish market.
Yes! You want a professional working relationship.
Please answer the questions.
She's six years older than me and...
- She? _ Marisa jackass.
- Marisa? _ Am I really paying you $40 an hour...
just to repeat everything I say Steve?
50 And I'll charge you even more if you keep on being difficult.
- That's what doctors do. _ Psychologists aren't doctors.
Whatever.
If she is indeed six years older than you Mr. Bianchi
I suggest to you in the vernacular that you dump her.
- What? _ See this...this woman...
was playing tonsil hockey in the playground of life...
while you were a mere spermatozoa...
_ in your father's scrotal sac. _ Look Steve I'm in a bind here man.
I got an entire relationship everything's based on lies.
_ I see Mr. Bianchi. - Bianski.
- I'm not ltalian. - Coulda had me fooled.
And I'm not even in a real relationship with lsabella.
Now finally we're getting somewhere.
Not a meaningful relationship with lsabella. But...
If I'm gonna make this work with her I gotta tell her the truth.
No! Absolutely not.
The truth never helps anyone.
See relationships are delicate enough without the truth messing things up.
You see the truth is like pure oxygen hm?
It can kill you. It's gotta be mixed in with other things.
What? Am l... Am I really paying you for this advice?
If you love someone embrace them.
And if the truth helps we'll flaunt it.
If it doesn't avoid the truth like a plague
Iike a pestilence that should be driven from the valley.
The valley.
Fathers and sons they say horrible things to one another...
that should never be repeated.
Most of them truthful.
But what's important is how they feel.
That's what counts.
You learnt all this stuff studying?
Come on Jake you don't get this shit out of a textbook< hm?
This is life man. Life!
And yours truly has lived it.
X'cuse me ladies.
Look. Before I forget...
I need to get off early tonight I got plans.
Well you're the boss.
I'm going to the community college to sign up for some evening classes.
_ English literature. _ You gotta be kidding me. You too?
Hey I'm not gonna spend my whole life in this fish market.
_ I got dreams too. _ English literature?
You love fish.
Whatever man. Go study Shakespeare. I don't care.
I always knew you had a thing for guys in tights anyway.
Yeah. Well thanks for the support.
You got it.
She's taking me to her faculty dinner.
Don't go. Intellectuals though I count myself among them...
are very cliquey if you're not on their level.
Jake. You should have at least had some good years of sex...
before this bullshit started.
I mean at a minimum you should have seen her nipples.
Hey.
- You can't wear that. _ Why not?
Because you can't wear khaki to a formal.
_ Let me just... Can l... - Whoa.
If you don't want to take me as I am why not take Michael?
Because I wanna take you. Now just look nice for me.
Here. Try this on.
No. I can't wear that.
OK. What about this one?
No! None of these.
_ Why do you want a suit... _ This is... Let me just see.
_ That looks good. - Yeah.
What's this?
This.
- Wow. _ Oh yeah. These are my...
my anniversary suits.
If you really love someone...
they don't need something like this.
All right. Why don't you tell me what you can wear?
This? Well if it's good enough for me...
it's good enough for lvy League snobs.
They're not snobs. They're intellectuals.
Intellectuals bore me.
I won't have anything to talk about with them.
You're gonna have a good time I promise.
Yeah we do all our neutering by laser now. We love it.
_ What about spaying? _ Spaying's a little tricky.
I think you still need the human touch for that one.
Tonight's a very special night.
I am happy to present...
this year's Vets Without Borders Award for Excellence in Research...
to Dr. Marisa Costa...
for her outstanding work with the ltalian greyhound.
Careful people. She's showing you up.
So here's to Dr. Costa...
one of our most cherished colleagues...
and her pursuit of knowledge.
You were getting an award and you didn't tell me?
You don't ask about my work.
It's not just an award.
It's a grant. A 5000 endowment.
Not bad for four years out of veterinarian school.
That's what I mean. 5000 you're not gonna tell me that?
- You wouldn't have come. - I would have come.
What is it you do Jack?
- I work in a fish market. - A fish market?
- You sell fish? _ He's being modest.
He owns it.
So you're a businessman.
Of sorts yeah.
Speaking of business Susan got a promotion.
_ She got tenure at the university. _ Congratulations.
- Excellent. _ And a pretty nice pay raise.
85,000 a year.
That's it?
I'm...I'm just saying I mean...
You're a professor. That's all you make?
That's actually a very good salary.
_ How do you live? - Excuse me?
I just mean... I pay that out in a bad year so...
Wait a minute. A fishmonger makes 85,000?
Yeah.
_ Really? _ It's good to be a monger.
The goal of North End Fisheries...
is to consistently increase our annual profit margin.
I just recently raised prices in the shop.
People will spend more because they feel they're getting a better product.
As long as I keep my costs down...
my revenues are out of the red and into the green.
- Yeah. _ Theoretically...
Iet's say you had some inside information...
from a certain veterinary researcher...
about a new strain of avian flu...
that had the potential to kill off the entire feline population.
How could I make money off that?
Well I guess in that... horrendous scenario...
you could make a small fortune...
short_selling pet supply manufacturing companies...
and at the same time investing in companies that produce pet...coffins.
Anyway guys I hope it was helpful.
I don't know I just figured you know if you're smart enough to get into Harvard...
you might as well be financially smart enough to pay for it.
You really think that guy's gonna call me in to be a guest lecturer?
Probably. He loved you.
Oh man. Me the high school dropout a college lecturer?
It would be so freaking cool.
You think they were just humoring me?
Like I really just stuck out like a hooker at a convent or something?
That's your baggage not theirs.
Why are you so upset?
I'm not upset it's just...
- You know. - No.
_ What's up? _ It was my night.
But I was eclipsed and not even by my boyfriend.
- Come here. - No.
If I'm gonna be overshadowed...
I would at least like it to be by someone...
who basks in me when I get home at night.
Me.
_ Good night. _ Good night?
You...
Seriously?
Hello?
Hey.
Can you buzz me up?
You need a slumber party.
I was thinking more of an adult slumber party.
No!
Adult slumber parties aren't as much fun.
You just gonna stand there or are you gonna come help me?
Nice.
You see that line over there?
The one that represents friendship.
I think it's safe to say that we've crossed that one.
_ You know what Freud says? - Yeah.
He'd say I'd rather be making out with my mom.
Hey!
Beautiful day. Beautiful day!
_ How you doing? - So.
- So? _ How's the therapy going? Eh?
I'm not...I'm not in therapy.
Why would you even say something like that?
Is Steve. He tell us all about your...
sessions.
But don't worry.
Your secret is safe with me.
He told you that?
You know you need it for some time now.
Ah Marisa! Buongiomo.
You've got the glow!
Oh believe me there's no glow.
It's more of a flame.
I don't care. Most historians would disagree with you.
I don't care what most historians say.
I lived through it.
And I am telling you...
Italy was never part of the Axis.
_ Yes they were. - No!
They were not.
Is this before or after the war?
Before or after! The ltalian people were always part of the Allies.
- What? - As for Mussolini himself...
That's another story.
Are you shitting me?
Is Jake here? I need to speak to him.
_ What the hell do you want? _ Look I just need some help. Please?
_ It's not gonna happen. _ No way.
Oh God. It's been eight years. You still can't be mad.
Time heals most wounds but Jake is like a homophiliac...
_ No no. Hemophiliac. _ Yeah hemophiliac.
He...he still bleeds.
Yeah well he doesn't have to bleed anymore.
'Cause I'm back.
She's what?
It took you eight years to realize this?
Look I'm sorry that I was slower than you but...
I'm here now.
If you want me.
Just help me!
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea huh?
No. Are you kidding me?
This...this is...
This is the best day of my life. I...
This is what I've been dreaming of right?
- You don't act like it. - I don't know.
You guys you showed up so unexpectedly...
I just wasn't sure what to do that's all.
Well be excited.
This is what you and I have always wanted right?
Yeah no I know. I know.
This...this is all good.
We're soulmates so...
Hey< sweetie.
You gonna play?
_ So how's it going? - Yeah.
No it's great you know? It's...
It's everything I've been dreaming of< so...
_ It's good yeah. - Is it?
Do you want my professional opinion or my honest opinion?
_ Which one's more important? _ Oh they both are.
_ Then give me both. - OK.
_ Professional opinion first? _ I don't care. Just give me one.
Well let's see. My professional opinion is...
that you get the heck outta town you get into your truck...
move to another state and don't tell anybody where you're going< now.
_ Come on man I'm being serious here. - So am l!
Her husband's gonna kill you.
He is. He's ltalian you know.
You know what? If you're just gonna stand out there and listen anyway...
why don't you just come in pull up a chair and join my therapy session?
You asked.
Hey Pop. Get the counter will you?
_ It's fine I left a note. - Him too?
He's gonna tell me everything anyway so save time.
I ask you as a friend Jake don't pull us into this.
Your life is shit.
How are you gonna keep any clients?
How are you gonna keep your balls?
Is this a meeting of minds?
Yeah something like that.
Hi boys.
Hola.
_ How you doing? _ Hey Jake.
What's up?
- What are these? _ They're just... They're some...
Fish tags.
- Did the Girl Scouts write these? _ No they're...
_ Like he said they're fish tags. _ You see this is a fish market.
_ Is it really? Thank you. - Yes.
Well we're gonna go for a walk. You wanna come?
Yeah I'll be right there. I'm just gonna... take a minute with these guys.
_ I'll meet you outside OK? - OK.
Go on.
See you< boys.
Yeah. Whatever. Keep in touch.
_ Bye_bye. _ Bye_bye.
I know a guy he makes problems go away.
_ Your kind of problem. _ Yeah Frankie the jeweler's cousin.
You're never gonna know what happened.
You just know...
she don't come back.
_ You got it! _ Hey.
They hate me.
No... Yeah they do. They really do.
_ Do you hate me? _ No I don't hate you.
Hey! You!
Isabella this is Marisa.
Marisa lsabella.
You're Marisa?
I've heard so much about you.
I... I'm gonna... You just...
Marisa!
Marisa! Marisa!
Come on!
Marisa!
God!
How are you so fast?
Oh what a tangled up web we weave...
When first we practice to deceive...
_ Like the song says. _ It's not a song it's Shakespeare papa.
- Huh? _ No that's not.
It's Sir Walter Scott.
No forget the poetry.
Because right now you got an opportunity...
to exploit Marisa's latent lesbian side.
Now< maybe you invite lsabella to join you two in a little menage hm?
- A bit like a mini scrum! _ Yeah no just...just like a scrum.
That's my boy.
Yeah. It's a good idea.
What... Oh no.
We already fixed your fish. Sir!
_ It's my son OK? - Your son?
- Just... _ No I have to...
_ My acquaintance's son and I gotta... - Sir!
His pet is gonna die if we don't hurry up.
_ Your antics aren't gonna work. _ They're not antics.
I swear... We just... We needed you to help Chuckie.
Jake these rodents carry diseases.
Honey honey can I have this?
- Can I take this? - It's OK.
Just let me look at it real quick OK honey?
_ She's gonna help Chuckie all right? _ Thank you.
_ She's gonna help fix Chuckie. - Yeah.
All right?
My God! What are you...
What is wrong with veterinary caution?
Really?
There you go. There you go.
Can I talk to you a minute?
What you can't just throw a kid's pet in the trash can.
_ What kind of mother will you be? _ At this rate< I won't be one at all.
But that rat is dead.
Then I need you to like cardiovert it or something.
_ What part of "dead" did you miss? - Just fix it!
OK? Switch it with another one he'll never know.
This is not a pet store it's a doctor's office.
Well it's a veterinarian's office but...
What's this about?
It's about a...a kid and his pet.
- And that's it? - Yeah.
- That's it. - You knew it was dead.
But you came here anyway.
It's an excuse Jake it...
You really think that I would use a kid's tragedy as my own personal gain?
- Yeah. - Wh...
You do look nice. That the sweater that I bought you?
_ Get out of my office. _ Why are you so pissed?
I told you that I had a girlfriend from the beginning.
I thought we crossed that line.
Get out Jake. Out. I mean it.
You knew that we were only friends.
Yeah well you know what? Maybe I just didn't wanna believe it.
Hey buddy.
I'll buy you a new Chuckie.
Hello?
Let me speak to my wife you son of a bitch.
It's for you.
I tried. She doesn't wanna talk to you.
When I'm through with you...
your balls are gonna be floating in a Tupperware container.
OK just wait there a minute. Hold on. I'll be right down.
What?
You know what your problem is< man?
You don't understand women.
You don't.
You know you gotta make 'em feel special...
Iike romance 'em and stuff.
Buy 'em presents. Women love presents.
She's my wife.
Not getting anywhere with that attitude.
They wanna feel like they're the only person in the world man.
You know like they're wanted.
I'm serious. You tell a woman one nice thing...
you can be banging her in no time.
I don't wanna "bang" anyone.
I want my family back.
Hello? Am I talking to myself here?
I want you to have 'em back too man.
I got a room full of kids upstairs you kiddin' me?
But you gotta win her back from me.
Otherwise she's not gonna respect you.
If you didn't want her then why did you destroy my family?
Des... Come on. It's just...
You know people always want what they can't have.
The grass is always greener on the other side that sort of thing.
You're gonna get her back from me.
You just gotta chase her. They love being chased.
It's what they want. It's not so hard.
You're an asshole. You don't deserve lsabella.
- I know. _ Or any other woman for that matter.
Oh I know.
Another beer?
Does the Pope shit in the woods?
Hello!
Marisa! Answer the door! I know you wanna talk to me too. It's...
Shut your piehole down there we're trying to sleep!
_ Piss off Blondie. _ Honey get over here.
_ There's a crazy person at the window. _ I know< man.
_ I'm not coming down. - Just...
_ Hey! _ I need to talk to you.
- Then talk. _ Sweetie call the cops.
_ I think it's gonna fall off. - What?
_ My cock! My johnson! _ I'll cut your cock off.
_ Jake stop it. _ I did what you said.
I...I stopped having sex with the sheep and then the...
_ The chickens got jealous. _ Please stop it.
- Get the hell outta here! _ Let... Come on< a little bit.
_ It's nothing weird or anything just... - Jake!
- I like to have sex with farm animals! _ Shut up down there!
_ Shut up! Shut up! - You introduced me to 'em.
Is it so wrong? Is it?
- Veterinarian Marisa Costa? _ Oh my God.
_ Apartment 302? - Come in.
You drunken bum!
Hi.
There's nothing you can say that I wanna hear Jake.
OK fine maybe...maybe not.
But...there's something I have to tell you.
Go for it.
I'm not ltalian.
Go home Jake. You're drunk.
You're drunk.
Marisa!
I'm Polish.
I'm watching you creep.
Hey buddy.
Oh my God!
_ Oh my God! - Turn it off!
What are you...what are you doing?
- What? _ Mario told me everything.
I'm leaving you Jake. In the morning.
Then what the hell are you still doing in my bed?
I didn't wanna wake the kids.
Oh< this is just great.
- You read this? - Old Man And The Sea?
Yeah it's awesome.
That's it. I'm turning gay.
From here on out it's dick for me.
_ It's genetic. It's not your choice. - Not true. Not true.
Freud says there's a sexual continuum.
Freud's not always right. Pursuit of sausage< it's definitely genetic.
Enough! OK?
Oh< do we need to explore anger management in our next session?
I can't deal with you today. You've both gotta go. Get out!
- Out. Out! _ Hey Jake.
- What? _ I'll set you up with my cousin.
- He loves a braciola. - What?
What are you doing? What is he doing? Where are you going?
Should have done this a long time ago.
_ What are you... _ It's for your own good.
- Huh? _ Anger is a desperate cry for help.
- Get out. Out! - It is!
- Out! _ OK. All right< all right.
Don't push.
What don't you understand?
She's not here.
Fine!
- You can't be here. _ I'm not leaving till I see her.
Then you will shrivel up and die waiting.
Hey. Stalker boy!
It's time to go.
I told you I'm not leaving until I see her.
You can't see her. She's not here.
She went to ltaly. Vets Without Borders?
I've been here all day long.
Why didn't you say something?
We did!
She's my soulmate.
There's no such thing as a soulmate.
You only want her 'cause you can't have her.
When you met this broad you denied the window.
_ Now you're stuck on the other side. - I love her.
If you love her how come you banged lsabella?
_ I didn't bang lsabella. _ Yeah< but you would have.
You just didn't have enough time. It's transferring.
Transference.
You desperately cling to relationships that don't work
in order to hold on to your dead parents.
Oh now this is about my parents.
Yes!
It has nothing to do with feelings or...or concern over finding a soulmate?
Isabella is a literal metaphor.
There's no such thing as a literal metaphor.
She's a simile.
Mr. Walt Whitman here takes three night classes
all of a sudden he's a doctor of English literature.
- Huh? _ Look. Isabella represents your parents.
Marisa is letting go and accepting their deaths.
Oh< that's deep. You learn that at night school too?
You don't need night school for that. Try second grade. It's basic stuff.
Oh< basic stuff? It's only the basis of modern psychoanalytic theory.
If you're calling Freud a second_grader.
You know what? If Freud's theories are based on similes...
_ then I guess I'm calling him that. - Freud was full of shit. How about that?
_ The first stage is anger. _ I'm not angry Steve.
Then denial.
You know when I was your age they didn't have airplanes.
They've had airplanes since the 1920s.
Commercial airplanes been around since the 1920s.
Details details. If you want Marisa fly to her.
Fly! You know like the song says.
_ What song? _ If they wrote one.
She's my soulmate.
They don't have air_conditioning in ltaly.
I don't know why maybe they got it from the Greeks.
So you gotta take some newspaper dip it in water
wrap it around to keep it moist and fresh.
Got it?
Now Francesca will take care of everything.
_ But don't screw this up. _ I won't screw it up.
_ I like this girl. - I do too.
And I want you to come back with this.
_ OK. All right. - OK?
I'll kill you if you don't.
It's a beautiful ring.
Jackie do me a favor.
Take this for Frankie and...
Ioad it up with a lot of costume jewelry...
so the customs'll never know OK?
_ Go ahead. Thank you. - Yeah.
My cousin there he'll take care of you.
Alessandro has the finest fabrics in all the world.
Except for here. The cut...
All right. Thanks Silvano.
Hi.
Do_a you_a speak_a English?
_ Signor Bianchi. - Yeah!
Hi. Jake. How you doing?
You-a Aunt-a Theresa...
said you could_a help_a me out.
Buongiomo.
You speak English?
You speak like a little bit of English?
A little.
I need to find a guest.
Veterinarian Marisa Costa?
Si, abbiamo una Dottoressa Costa.
No, no. No, no e una dottoressa. E una veterinaria.
No. E una Dottoressa. Dottoressa Costa. Spagnola.
No, no, uh, veterinaria Costa. Italiana.
No, non e italiana. E spagnola.
La Dottoressa Costa e spagnola.
She's ltalian. I know she's ltalian.
She told me she's ltalian.
So< there you go.
Dottoressa Costa. Spagnola.
I need a room next to hers.
I...I need a...I need a... To sl...
Sleep dormire...next to her room. I wanna be her neighbor.
Perfect. How many nights sir?
Marisa I know I was a jerk.
And I'm sorry.
But...I love you so much.
And I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.
Besides you lied too.
You're Spanish.
Don't say that Jake. Don't.
Soulmates.
Hey. Can I help you?
Yeah. I was...I was looking for my...
For my...
Do you...do you have any shampoo?
_ Shampoo? - Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah. Hold on. - OK.
_ There you go. It's my girlfriend's. - Yeah.
_ Your girlfriend's. - Yeah.
Yeah so's the robe.
You know just keep it. I'll tell her the maid took it.
OK. Bye_bye.
You know what I would love to do tomorrow?
_ Let's...Iet's go for a hike. _ I can't I have to work.
I have to be up at like six.
OK...
Well< you know what? Let's go get some gelato.
- Gelato? _ Right now. Come on.
_ Really? They got cable. - I know.
- The cable here? - Yeah.
- Three channels. _ I know but...
Did you see the German one? I'm sorry.
Jake.
This is Michael.
Michael this is Jake.
- Jake... Boston Jake? - Michael?
_ Hey. I've heard a lot about you. _ I thought he was limp in the sack.
_ I'm sorry. What? - That's what I heard.
Jake.
Will you marry me?
No! No get up.
Come on. This thing's burning a hole in my pocket.
_ I thought you two were just friends. - We are.
I miss you so much.
I just wanna be with you.
Hey she said no so...
if you don't mind could you leave us alone?
It's our anniversary.
Two weeks ago this very day I gave her an orgasm...
that you couldn't possibly touch with a vibrator.
Enough Jake. Seriously.
You're kidding right?
Right?
This is between Marisa and me. This doesn't concern you.
You mess with my woman?
Will you marry me?
Get up.
_ Come on. Get up. Up up up! - What?
Get up.
You messed with my woman.
I'm gonna kill you. Yeah and then I'm gonna cut off your balls...
and I'm gonna have 'em bronzed.
What...what's with the balls?
_ I mean you ltalian guys. _ You got a Greek complex?
_ Greek complex. That's good. _ Oh no.
_ Rearrange your furniture. _ I like your peach shirt.
Oh you like peach? Look at you.
Where are you going? You're running in circles.
_ I can do this all night. - You can't.
You asked me if I had a dream.
You're my dream. I love you.
No Michael don't hurt him.
You want a hug?
- Marisa. _ Good morning.
Where am l?
Are you OK?
Did I win?
Yeah. You won.
Now get up.
You get up.
We're going for a run.
No way.
I can't take another ass_kicking.
You don't have to humor me. You can run ahead if you want.
_ Your poor face. - I'm fine. Promise.
_ I don't remember your answer. _ My answer?
Well are you going to marry me?
_ Can you beat me to the rocks? - No.
_ Well could you at least try? _ Are you... I don't wanna...
Sub By Cgha
You know no one's gonna buy your philosophical bullshit don't you?
Sure they will! A psychologist who's more screwed up than his patients?
How can anyone not be cured?
Steve why don't you just stay here?
Go to Harvard with me. They got some great master programs.
Between us we could have psychology into the sixth grade.
No no. I'm through with Boston and this weather.
California's got enough freaks already...
_ so I figured Arizona's going to be perfect. - That's nice.
_ They don't know what they're in for. _ This would make a great picture.
_ Let's get one. I got it. - Yeah.
Pop get in here and take a picture will you?
Just a minute please.
Now your last name Baba?
Baba. That's not ltalian.
No it's Romanian.
But Romania is called such because of the Roman history.
The Romans went into my city of lasi which is in the east...
Have you...have you ever been to ltaly?
Yes sir. When I was 15. I worked in a cafe
but I did not speak the language all that well.
And a piece of paper...
_ You speak ltalian? _ A little bit I understand a lot.
But I can learn more.
Yeah. Do you like...fish?
Oh I love fish. I grew up by a river and I used to fish...
Yeah. Can you clean a halibut?
Oh yes very very quickly and very clean yes.
- Yes. - Va bene.
Now most important.
Do you like ltalians?
Of course I love ltalians.
_ Everybody wants to be ltalian! _ Oh bravo, bravo!
You got the job. All right all right. Can you start now?
Yes.
That's enough.